Daily Provisions
Have you ever been afraid of yourself? Ever been scared of what you might think? What you might feel? What these things might cause? This fear has been all too present in my life for quite a while now. because of all the things I have been exposed to, I find that it is far to easy for my mind to wander down forbidden paths. Most of the time I don't even realize it is happening until it is too late. Until I am racked with guilt and torment for allowing such filth to enter my mind.
I know my wife will be devastated. We talk so much about how to not let these moments happen. It breaks her tender and kind heart every time. When I see that disappointment and pain on her face, I feel worthless, like I am the worst human being that has ever lived. How could I do this to her? How could I be so careless again! How could I not have realized what was happening and used one of the hundred methods I've learned to change the situation?
At times I feel out of control. I feel that no matter what I do, I can't stop inappropriate thoughts from getting in. I can't stop being worried about the feeling that the immodestly dressed woman I might see at the store might cause. I feel like the devil has a hold on my mind and I can't seem to shake him off. I hate that this has plagued my life for so long. I hate that I have brought so much sorrow and pain into my marriage.
I want it all to just go away and let me live my life in peace. I want to turn it all around. And I try to do just that. Whenever something like this happens, I re-commit myself to be more diligent, to become a better man. I've noticed a pattern that usually follows this re-commitment. I start out strong and have high hopes and goals of all that I will do. I start to do it, and then I slacken. I get super busy with classes or work. I get to bed late and don't get up in time to complete my morning routine. Then, before I know it, I'm back to neglecting the important little things that make such a big difference. Things like daily scripture study and journal writing. They are so simple and not very hard to do, yet they bring great power and ability through the spirit.
I was reading recently in the Book of Mormon and came across a verse that I know I've read many times before, but this time had a whole new meaning I had never considered before. It is in the war chapters of Alma. (Very fitting place to look for a saint soldier don't you think?)
Alma 56:29
And the Lamanites, thus seeing our forces increase daily, and provisions arrive for our support, they began to be fearful, and sally forth, if it were possible to put an end to our receiving provisions and strength.
I gained two insights from this scripture. The first is that as I work daily to increase my spiritual strength and be spiritually fed, my enemies (the devil) will begin to fear. This is not a new concept as it is something I have been taught by teachers and leaders in the church my whole life. But as I read it I felt that the Lord was teaching me that this is my solution. This is the area in which I need to become better. I will cause my enemies to fear because I will be gaining power over them. I am breaking free of their hold. I am fighting back.
The second insight is what makes things difficult. The enemy will work harder to put an end to my gaining of strength and power. This has been my downfall. I have allowed myself to weaken just as the enemy is working harder. I have become complacent. My desire is to be a strong and faithful man of God, but I cannot become such by continually falling down this same hole. I have to find a way out.
I will get out through giving myself spiritual daily provisions. I will study the scriptures everyday. I will pray often everyday. I will show my wife love everyday. I will write in my journal everyday. I will strive everyday to become more like Christ. Through this I will overthrow my enemies, and come off conqueror.
I know that my Savior loves me even though I am far from perfect. I know that he will strengthen me as I work hard to do what I know is right. It is my prayer that all who feel overcome by opposition will gain the hope that Christ offers, and look to Him for strength.
A Saint and a Soldier